How to Handle that Difficult Person in Your Life

Recently a friend of mine sought my perspective. They were anxiously anticipating a difficult interaction with one of their family members. This relative was notorious for blowing up and keeping everyone walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them. This is the email that I wrote to my friend. I share it here with their permission*…

I would suggest creating a reasonable expectation for interactions with this person. I genuinely admire your desire to assume best intentions and believe the best. But unfortunately, they aren’t going to become a different person or develop more emotional intelligence or relationship skills just because that’s what is needed right now.

There is a good chance that they will act in a way that is hurtful or stressful. So you can decide now what your boundaries are around that.

Things to consider while planning how to interact/respond:

- Consider what is their responsibility and what is your responsibility

For instance, you aren’t responsible for how they respond to you setting healthy boundaries. And you aren’t responsible for how their behavior impacts others. That is their responsibility.

- Consider what you can and cannot control

For instance, you can’t control whether or not they act out. You can control your own behavior, what interactions and activities you will and won’t engage in, and how you respond if and when they act out.

It is ok for them to face consequences for their actions. Sometimes the consequence is that you make the choice to interrupt them when they blow up to calmly say that you’re not ok with being spoken to that way and you’ll be happy to talk with them another time when you can discuss things calmly. Will they hate that and act out? Most likely. But you are under no obligation to interact with them in that state. You are free to walk away.

It is SUPER uncomfortable to set boundaries like this. Especially with someone who is volatile and unpredictable. But you can take control of the interaction by owning control of what you will and won’t allow for yourself and letting them do their thing without feeling responsible for managing their responses towards you and others.

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