Healing

The Books of Shangri-La

I slept for ten hours last night; The most I have slept in a long time. No nightmares, no sense of despair and more importantly, I did not wake up angry at the world.

I’ve had to face the relentless foe of depression for too long on my own; I’ve been self-medicating with destructive words and self-persecution. I crucified myself and was the sacrificial lamb to my demented self-hatred.

There were two angels holding signposts for me, but I couldn’t. Instead refused to see them.

I’ll be honest; this all started with my mother sending me a message. Threatening to take me to court for stopping her from seeing her grandchild. On top of the upheaval of moving, having various projects on the go and feeling immense pressure, this was the final strike of the match.

So I phoned her and screamed at her for the first time in a while. I detailed about fifty reasons why she would never win a case and why she’s never going to have a relationship with our little one. I could hear my sister in the background laughing at me.

I said, “…and you can tell that fucking demon to shut her trap as well!”

“Oh, Reece, you must be on drugs again…”

If I were on drugs, perhaps I wouldn’t pay much attention to her intolerable narcissism.

Please understand that I am not an angry being, at my very core, there is a yearning for peace and tranquillity, but there isn’t much more that gets my back up than my family.

So, yesterday, I decided to block my mother’s number.

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

I did lock myself in my room. I did get lost in the maze of my mind, and I did want to be left alone. I must be left alone when I am like that because the last thing I want to do is hurt my loved ones by raising my voice.

Last night, I think I was frank about my feelings toward my family for the first time. We sat for two hours and told them everything. I told them I had felt used for so many years, unwanted, and frankly, I was embarrassed by my parent’s behaviour.

I lay in bed last night with my love’s arms wrapped around me; I felt warm. I cried, probably for an hour solid…

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