My Foolproof Plan for Avoiding Rejection and Pain

I promise, I’ll get to my foolproof plan soon. First, let me tell you about a friend I knew when I was in my early twenties. We’ll call her Barb.

Barb was the sweetest, nicest, most polite, considerate and conciliatory person I knew. She anticipated other people’s needs. She remembered everyone’s birthdays. She knew how I took my coffee after making it only once. She baked people’s favorite cookies just because.

But here’s the thing that really impressed me most about Barb: She never pissed anyone off. She rarely had conflicts with other people and if she did, everyone else took her side. Being mean to Barb or getting mad at Barb was like kicking a kitten or spitting in Santa’s snow-white beard.

I, on the other hand, often rubbed people the wrong way. I said what I meant before thinking. I spoke in hyperbole because it was funny but also sometimes offensive and obnoxious (although no less funny). More than once I felt like “too much” for people and experienced the sting of rejection.

So, I tried it. I smiled big toothy smiles. I bit my tongue and kept my feelings and thoughts to myself. I noted people’s birthdays, making up a special calendar that sent me reminders. I still forgot to wish them Happy Birthday, but at least I knew that I had missed them. I baked people cookies. I was effing Martha Stewart, Betty Crocker, and Julia Roberts all rolled into one.

For about a hot minute.

Finally, I thought, “God, this is exhausting. How the hell does Barb do this all the time?”

Then I started noticing other things about Barb. Like that she was sick a lot more than most people. She would get these terrible headaches, and she would disappear for large chunks of time. Our common friends would ask me, “Have you heard from Barb? She’s not returning my calls or emails.”

Barb often canceled plans with us at the last minute. In fact, before long, it seemed like Barb wasn’t leaving the house a lot. I reached out to Barb several…

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